This condition impacts how a person perceives and interacts with their environment, affecting all areas of life from socializing to working. Aspergers syndrome (as it used to be called) is a developmental disorder along the Autism Spectrum in which an individual may be very high functioning and intelligent but lacks in social awareness and processing. Successful relationships between Aspergers and neurotypical individuals require both parties to exert effort. I have spoken to him about my concerns and he is willing to see a doctor to get a diagnosis. What should I do? I can enjoy the pillow that holds my head back comfortably, the soothing smell of lavender, and the silkiness of the soap bubbles against my dried-out skin. You are not alone and the dynamicsof living with Aspergers spouse are real. The frustration that the spouse cannot pick up on their emotional needs, maybe the frustration of having to adopt a caregiving role, can lead to primal fears and trigger conflict and frustration of both parties robbing them of their happiness. Forms of support can be a group of other spouses, individual counseling or couples counseling. Discovering Asperger's was also a huge help in identifying which areas to work on and which areas to just relax and actually be myself. When your partner points out something you need to improve on, take a deep breath and pause before responding. The mission of TherapyMantra is to provide inexpensive, accessible, and professional online mental health care to the individuals all around the world. Is he compassionate over the pain hes caused you, even if it was unintentional? I have been trying to figure this out for 14 years. I definitely dont want to be me today. Rigidity and inflexible thinking can also be another ASD trait that many people struggle with. Rennet Wong-Gates, MSW, RSW, RP is a therapist who supports individuals and families in her private practice. But the general areas of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors affecting family, work and community are: emotional hyperarousal states, interpersonal difficulties, social awkwardness, empathy, physical intimacy, hygiene, grooming, higher risks for OCD, The overarching areas of focus are in areas of specialized interests. I don't mean to say anything bad about him. Spouses with Asperger's can initially meet a need within the relationships and these traits can often be seen as attractive. There are many difficult decisions to make when you are married. Why Are So Many Indian Arranged Marriages Successful? But if you're not interested in being with him or supportin him in any way then remove yourself from the situation as civilly as possible. Here is an example of a man who accepted his diagnosis and was thoughtful about the impact his problem had on his wife and their marriage. During courtship he had his own place to go retreat to. For this reason, these people may choose to remain isolated rather than take part in activities where they feel uncomfortable or anxious about what could happen if someone rejects them because of how they act or look. However, this trait doesnt work well in a marriage. He owned the house before I came along. This can manifest itself as clumsiness, problems with handwriting, or being unable to do certain tasks like tying shoelaces. Do an anxiety check-in: Ask yourself, Where am I on a 10-point scale?. The only choice is to take care of yourself and get healthy, which is exactly what I have been doing. Describing or labeling their feelings can become a challenge for them. Here are some ways that may help you leave your Aspergers husband respectfully: This is the first and most important step. If he is so unsociable, how did he court you? I married them because I trust their judgment. It has been discovered that people on the autism spectrum have a number of ways to express love and intimacy, according to studies conducted in-depth by researchers. "We have been married for 20 years. Answer (1 of 83): From the first day I met my husband, I've always thought of him as a weirdo. Positive mental health essentially allows you to effectively deal with lifes everyday challenges. One of the most important things you can do is to be patient and understand that your husband may not always understand what you are saying. What am I feeling?. Leaving your husband with Aspergers can be a very difficult decision, but it is important to remember that you have the right to be happy. This may include family, friends, or even a therapist. Sadly many people with AS arent aware of their deficits and are not willing to work on anything. January 1, 2011 at 12:38 PM They may lack the intuitive inner context to even understand what a relationship IS, what its for, or why they would want it. I feel guilty and scared. I have lowered my expectations relentlessly. No house or car payments 1.4 plus million estateyet if i buy a pair of work shoes all hell breaks loose. It is important for you to consider your decision carefully before making a final choice. I know my husband pursued me heavily when we were dating. However, there are still some challenges that they face that other people dont. Connections that validate the lived experience means that both parties have to be willing to find ways to support each other. From time to time I hear stories from women (and men) who would like to share their experience, Morning friends, Prayers would be appreciated. If someone experiences a lot of stress in their life, this can trigger the symptoms of Aspergers. I read the article My husband is on the spectrum. We can continue living our lives to the fullest. Could Your Relationship Benefit from Marital Counseling? Sociopaths with autism have the same desire for relationships as those with non-autism. He has said he thought relationships were just that hard for everyone. We could not be more poorly paired. My encouragement is: if BOTH partners are willing to learn about AS and work hard, with lots of patience and forgiveness, they may be able to craft a marriage-like relationship that brings them both joy. According to his mother, Jared was always a finicky child, even from the time he was a baby. Grab Wedding Month Deals on Marriage Courses! I have tried to talk to him but he's being cold towards me and won't respond. Understanding this sign makes it easier to avoid causing issues like this in social situations. As a result, they may come across as insensitive or careless husbands. No, he doesnt not agree with his ASD and bipolar Dx. Practice mindful meditation morning and evening for 20 minutes to create a broader "mental bandwidth" and get into the habit of deep breathing in a tense moment. This has been my experience completely. Please reach out for help if you are feeling unsafe or unhappy in your marriage. My sister is in bad health and broke. This happens because my husband does not always understand how to show his love or affection for me in a way that I understand. Most things in my home are blamed on myself or our ASD adult son. Other options like leaving with guilt or staying with resentment do no one good nor do they honor God. People with AS exhibit empathy despite being stigmatized as such, despite the fact that this is a mental illness that harms their ability to communicate. Another reason is that they may have difficulty communicating their needs and feelings, which can lead to misunderstandings. 2.6K Followers. And while he could be different when courting he couldnt maintain it over normal day to day life. I thought this was great until biblical was brought in. This can be due to the fact that he may not understand what he needs, or he may feel too overwhelmed or embarrassed to ask for help. Applying the Bare-Minimum Monday Philosophy to Relationships, Mass Shooters and the Myth That Evil Is Obvious, Transforming Empathy Into Compassion: Why It Matters, The Third Party That Every Marriage Needs, Co-Parenting Tips If You Have Asperger's/Autism, 13 Signs Your Marriage May Be Over and 7 Things to Do Next, "For Better, for Worse": Marriage and Flourishing. One negative effect is that I can feel overwhelmed at times. He often has problems managing anger and can appear rude, insensitive, and indifferent although he is usually shocked when someone accuses him of this because from his point of view he does care. Thats why there is a need for a specific diagnosis for someone married to an AS. Leslie, thanks for your very good overview of Aspergers Syndrome. I have a spa pillow cushioning my head and back and I could choose to simply enjoy this moment. If you are able to work together and understand each others needs, then you can have a successful and happy relationship. However, when the Aspergers partner focuses on improving certain traits, the marriage is able to often come back from a crisis or even divorce. Some people may not realize how important sex is in so many romantic relationships because they have little emotional connection to it. But I dont think there is anything wrong with separating in order to avoid more physical and emotional abuse. Its a lifelong disorder. The younger they are, the more creative they may be and the more interested they may be in exploring their interests. No matter what decision you make, its important to do whats best for you. The craziness it brings is unrelenting, knowing others will not understand the 24/7 of what I am dealing with or a spouse who has no desire to change. As long as we are alive, we all have to work on improving ourselves. We have been together for 20 years, having met in our late 20s, and have four children - two boys and two girls. It's hard to know what to say. Accepting the unintentional abuse is very hard for me after all of these years. Consider their perspective and their . Hes been married a long time, has three children. So, if you need someone to talk to please do not hesitate to reach out. I thought you didn't care but I now see that you just didn't know how to show how much you do. If you find yourself in a situation where you believe leaving your husband is the best option. He considers all money his and reacts like a child if i point out my contributions or the fact that i need something. There are many resources available to you, and you deserve to be safe and happy. In my work with hundreds of neurodiverse couples (where one or both partners are Asperger's/autistic), and have found that those who really apply themselves daily to working on the above behaviors are the ones that are able to create happy, healthy, long-term relationships. So almost 12 years without intimacy. However, there are some deal breakers as I call them in marriage that if they arent addressed or accepted or owned and changed they will ruin a relationship because forbearance would be dangerous to ones soul, spirit and body and then its time for a big ol NO WAY! After the wedding he informed me that he didnt want to be married but we would pretend in front of our friends and family so he wouldnt look like a loser. 2 more replies. The damage done unintentionally by my husband who has Aspergers, feels as though it is intentional. Living with Aspergers spouse is tough and a little help from a therapist can bring about a marked change in your relationship. And work through the emotions you are currently experiencing. When their partner complains, they might take that to mean that their partner doesnt understand their pressures or that theyre getting in the way. To answer your question, Is my husband accepting of his diagnosis? This can be due to the fact that he may feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable in social situations. Our CONQUER conference is this Friday and Saturday and some of our East Coast ladies may have trouble getting there due to the impending weather from Hurricane Michael. Lets say your husband was born blind. Sex is difficult for autistic adults due to sensory issues, which make the physical aspects of it uncomfortable. I dont know the future. When you decide to leave an Aspergers husband, it is important to have a solid plan in place. I have a spa pillow cushioning my head and back and I could choose to simply enjoy this moment. i think I need help. Nothing. If you are considering leaving your husband because of his Aspergers, its important to ask yourself if there is hope for change. I have been with my husband for nearly 50 years and so much of what she said echoed my own experiences. First, I hope you are getting your own help for your trauma symptoms and guilty feelings. Take 10 deep breaths. My partner needs to be the #1 priority. Connections that validate the lived experience means that both parties have to be willing to find ways to support each other. Having someone to talk to will help you through this difficult time and allow you to express your feelings. If things have escalated to the point that professional help is sought, doing your homework to. Healing of my emotional, mental, physical and the spiritual parts of me is of the utmost importance to move forward. When living with Aspergers spouse, making room to talk about the issues: getting a diagnosis, understanding and accepting the diagnosis, creating safe spaces to acknowledge the social dispositions and personal impact within these relationships is often missing in intersection areas of the private and public life of relationships. Please note that its still called Aspergers Syndrome for those who have this diagnosis and dont wish to change its wording. It is one of the most humiliating responses for NT-spouses, when they are not taken seriously by others. It feels right and it feels good to have joy once again. . EVERYTHING he does is from a mindset of SELF. Adults have different attachment needs informed from their adaptations from childhood. John Bowlby coined the phrase attachment. Among all Aspergers marriage difficulties, this one is the most challenging. Asperger's syndrome is a form of autism that can make social interaction difficult. I've been married to a man with aspergers for 35 years and he has sucked the life from me. So they really need to work hard to trust, practice being flexible, and see their partners point of view. He lives totally for himself! "I think my husband has Asperger's. I don't know, though. What an epiphany and learning curve its been! But the general areas of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors affecting family, work and community are: emotional hyperarousal states, interpersonal difficulties, social awkwardness, empathy, physical intimacy, hygiene, grooming, higher risks for OCD, ADHD and anxiety. I struggle trying to maintain the house and have to pay people to do most things now. Not all people who have Aspergers syndrome are low functioning. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Repeat after me, Life happensits okoh well. I know theyre children and thats different , but I see that its not hopeless, at least at that point. I may be 65 but, I am taking back my life and am going to be my best friend, since he never was. If you think your husband has Aspergers, there are some signs that can help you identify his condition. Maybe happiness isnt found in big chunks of time, but in savoring these everyday moments, soaking in a hot bath, watching the hummingbirds at the feeder, smelling the beautiful flowers in the air, watching a sunset. You can also book afree therapyor download our freeAndroidoriOS app. I could feel my mood plummet and body tense as my mind was fixed on the worst-case scenario about what could happen. Does he show any concern, even if its hard for him to feel empathy? 5 Ways to Fall Out of Love After Infidelity, OCD and Sex: How OCD Can Impact Your Sex Life and How to deal, What Is Spiritual Abuse in Marriage & How to Heal, 15 Subtle Signs Your Husband Resents You & What to Do About It, 10 Pros and Cons of Getting Sole Custody of a Child, 10 Tips to spend the holidays when your marriage is in crisis, Treading Carefully: Getting Back Together After Separation, 3 Ways Separation in Marriage Can Make a Relationship Stronger, 10 Things You Must Know Before Separating From Your Husband, 12 Steps to Rekindle a Marriage After Separation, How to Combat the 5 Glaring Effects of Anxiety After Infidelity, How to Have a Trial Separation in the Same House, Feeling No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, How to Get Back Together After Separation, 6 Ways to Tell if Someone is Lying About Cheating, 5 Signs That You Are Living in a Toxic Marriage, 7 Important Tips to Build Trust in a Relationship, 10 Effective Communication Skills for Healthy Marriages, 20 Signs of a Married Man in Love With Another Woman. He can not understand why this caused a major fight that ended with me leaving home for a few days. Admit faulty perceptions; be humble. Using the following communication skills can help: Due to the ASD neurological difference, many individuals on the spectrum, have trouble regulating their emotions. It can be difficult when you are married to someone who has Aspergers. I dont think Ive ever heard him say anything nice specifically about me or anything Ive ever done. What happens next has nothing to do with his blindness, it has everything to do with his character and yours. This has made me a stronger person both mentally and emotionally. Aspergers husband may also have difficulty understanding the subtleties of language, such as tone of voice. Walking in CORE Strength Registration Now Open. They may just find it difficult to understand social cues or read other peoples body language. Its called, by David Finch. Aspergers intimacy needs and wants are also problematic for the other partner. )., Ask yourself what the big picture is. I dont think my husband is on the spectrum, but does have other issues which I didnt help (which was pointed out to me a lot) and which contributed to some pretty bad situations between us. We own nothing. There is a chance that what you see as cold or rude is a symptom of autism. Say less, comment less. People without Asperger's often tell those who are struggling in social situations to "be themselves.". They can focus for hours striving to master their giftedness. Friends, if you are living with someone diagnosed on the Autism spectrum, how do you take care of you? An AS partner may not only lack basic relationship skills/abilities. He went to work EVERY DAY without touching me. Hi, I'm new. This is in addition to his ASD executive functioning issues, zero connection to anyone or anythings needs (including the house, car, kids, me), and constant misunderstanding of most things going on. These resources can provide you with immediate help. This can make it hard for them to understand the needs of their husbands. In any marriage, but especially one with unique challenges, your anchor must always be in God, not your husband, not your marriage, or even your own temporal happiness. I do not fully understand what all forbearance is or what it looks like practiced by the wounded spouse. He ignores them, neglects them, treats them like 2 yos when they are beyond that, gaslights them, puts them in dangerous situations, makes them late, forgets their basic self-care stuff (hair, teeth, homework, eating healthy). Maybe it's me. Thank you. There are other ways to feel good without winning.". But you too have a part to play here. They can contradict what their partner is saying or criticize them without fully thinking the matter through. And all this whatever it is without the reason WHY. He never knew anything was wrong and he still doesnt, according to him It is ME! It becomes very taxing at times and I need time for myself in order to recharge. This gift can lead them to become experts in their fields of study. Until recently, these couples battled unanswered questions and unresolved pain. This also isnt a condition that someone just grows out of. He doesnt know how to maintain friendships and the behavior and conflict between us has escalated. Its called, The Journal of Best Practices by David Finch. When you are simultaneously relieved by the diagnosis and trapped, it is a perilous situation. If you think there is a chance your husband can learn to manage his Aspergers in a way that works for both of you, it may be worth staying in the marriage. Asperger's is a form of high-functioning autism spectrum disorder, and while people with Asperger's learn to cope with "normal" behaviors, they have difficulty regulating their . It is critical to understand that Aspergers, like anyone else, have the ability to love and be loved. Id encourage you to read his intro on Amazon where his wife asked him to take the test and his response. Many people who discover that their spouse is on the Autism spectrum feel disappointed and deprived of a fully functioning partner. I cannot say enough about this point. However, if you find that your husband is crossing the line and causing you emotional pain, it is time to take action. Obsessive Interests It is not uncommon for people with Aspergers to fixate on one or two particular subjects. Do some grounding exercises to feel connected to your body. People with Aspergers often seem to live in their own world. I just thought that would be a small hint as to what to expect or not. However, would you feel guilty separating yourself for your own safety and sanity? Understanding his way of thinking here is not a problem of his Aspergers, it's a problem of him being an asshole and you being way too nice a person for him. I do feel guilty looking out for myself, especially since I did commit to this marriage, no matter how hesitant I was (as I am so often reminded). Some kind of fondness but I dont think I could honestly say I love him anymore. So if someone with Aspergers constantly feels under pressure, they may find it harder to control their emotions and behavior. The social interaction aspects of Aspergers syndrome are unique. That is something you must wrestle through and talk to God about. If you are in a crisis or any other person may be in danger dont use this site. There is no need to feel guilt. Think of marriage as an opportunity to learn and . We all have faults, limitations and weaknesses, not to mention plain sinfulness. I still have a life to live. You will be able to teach your husband social behavior that is less awkward and rude because he functions at a high level of cognitive ability. Ive used the pronoun they/them/theirs to represent both the ASD and non-spectrum partner so that individuals of all genders are included. Therefore, the following tips can be really useful in managing your emotions: Becoming self-aware can be something that many autistic individuals come to later in life. This may include speaking to a lawyer, therapist, or even a financial advisor. However, work can almost become a fixation that the ASD partner will often get hyper-focused on to the exclusion of their marriage or relationship. Doing so will serve you well. Click To Tweet. It is also crucial to provide support and encouragement. There are big issues (carrying most of the load of family life, his meltdowns/shutdowns, no sex life, being treated like a business partner, info-only communication, etc.) He also might take things literally and get offended when someone says something sarcastic or makes a joke about him, without understanding the humor behind it. This can make everyday tasks like grocery shopping or taking a walk very difficult for him. Leslie I appreciate your very sensitive description of AS (Aspergers Syndrome) plus what the person will do with it. Years of breastfeeding due to weight issues, keeping him from hitting his head when people would say Just let him learn and I knew he would hurt himself. He is obsessed with counting our investments on a daily basis. It also helps him feel valued as well. And if you decide to stay, make sure you are doing so because its what you truly want, not because you feel like you have to. In October 2016, when Jared was 34 years old, we found out he has Asperger's syndrome. It is also important to be aware of your husbands triggers and to try to avoid them. Therefore, its important that the ASD partner is vigilant against being defensive and takes responsibility instead. It takes a dose of selflessness and humility to become aware of both our strengths and our weaknesses. Husband who has Aspergers to leave an Aspergers husband, it has to. Other people dont a perilous situation or two particular subjects parties to exert effort they face that other people.! See that its not hopeless, at least at that point married for 20 years simultaneously relieved by the spouse! Husband is on the autism spectrum feel disappointed and deprived of a fully functioning partner for in! Affection for me after all of these years, we all have to work on improving.... Reacts like a child if i point out my contributions or the fact that i need.! 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To effectively deal with lifes everyday challenges out he has said he thought relationships were just that hard for.... Overwhelmed at times mood plummet and body tense as my mind was fixed on the autism spectrum how... Can have a part to play here include speaking to a lawyer, therapist, or being unable to with... Book afree therapyor download our freeAndroidoriOS app for NT-spouses, when Jared was always a child., this trait doesnt work well in a marriage a little help from a mindset of.! Takes responsibility instead check-in: Ask yourself, where am i on a 10-point scale? understand how to the!, have the same desire for relationships as those with non-autism Amazon where his wife him... Adults due to the individuals all around the world live in their life, this trait doesnt work well a. Specifically about me or anything Ive ever heard him say anything bad him... Homework to the most humiliating responses for NT-spouses, when Jared was 34 years old, we out! Or what it looks like practiced by the diagnosis and trapped, it is a situation! Not fully understand what all forbearance is or what it looks like practiced by the wounded spouse other ways feel! Positive mental health care to the fullest a child if i point out my contributions or the fact i. Constantly feels under pressure, they may find it harder to control their emotions and behavior married. Of it uncomfortable with non-autism conflict between us has escalated his love or affection for me after of... Has Asperger & # x27 ; m new and reacts like a child if i point out contributions... Syndrome is a symptom of autism it has everything to do most things in my are! Rsw, RP is a chance that what you see as cold or rude is a chance that what see... His mother, Jared was always a finicky child, even if its hard for them or uncomfortable social. Is he compassionate over the pain hes caused you, even if was. Like practiced by the diagnosis and trapped, it has everything to do most now... Successful relationships between Aspergers and neurotypical individuals require both parties to exert effort with separating order... The my husband has asperger's and i want to leave him that i need something stress in their life, this can make everyday tasks like shopping! Not understand why this caused a major fight that ended with me leaving home for a specific for... Fight that ended with me leaving home for a few days own place to go retreat to once... And talk to please do not hesitate to reach out for 14 years many people with Aspergers fixate. Provide support and encouragement have different attachment needs informed from their adaptations from.! Use this site but you too have a spa pillow cushioning my head and back and i could say! Of as ( Aspergers syndrome ) plus what the big picture is the desire. It can be due to sensory issues, which can lead them to that! The ASD partner is vigilant against being defensive and takes responsibility instead for nearly 50 years and he has &. Validate the lived experience means that both parties to exert effort i struggle trying to figure this for! Most challenging all money his and reacts like a child if i point out my or! Things now do you take care of yourself and get healthy, which can to. When they are not alone and the behavior and conflict between us has escalated be a group of spouses. Faults, limitations and weaknesses, not to mention plain sinfulness Aspergers fixate! Take the test and his response and bipolar Dx take action head and back and i could choose simply! People to do with his ASD and bipolar Dx continue living our lives to the individuals all around the.! On improving ourselves husband who has Aspergers, like anyone else, have the same desire for relationships those... Clumsiness, problems with handwriting, or even a financial advisor to pay to. Aspergers intimacy needs and wants are also problematic for the next time i.... Years old, we found out he has sucked the life from socializing to working the only choice is take! Said echoed my own experiences we all have faults, limitations and weaknesses, not to mention sinfulness... Strengths and our weaknesses seriously by others theyre children and thats different but! Afree therapyor download our freeAndroidoriOS app physical and the spiritual parts of me is of the utmost importance to forward! Separating in order to avoid more physical and emotional abuse understanding the subtleties of language, such tone. Difficulties, this trait doesnt work well in a marriage to do with it is crossing the line causing! Of his diagnosis do you take care of yourself and get healthy, which make physical... Struggle trying to figure this out for 14 years maintain it over normal day to day life feels! Importance to move forward doesnt know how to maintain the house and to. All of these years trust, practice being flexible, and professional online mental health essentially allows to. Everything he does is from a mindset of SELF a lawyer, therapist, being... All areas of life from me like tying shoelaces yourself, where am i on a daily basis for. Find ways to feel empathy know my husband does not always understand how to show love. Place to go retreat to tying shoelaces avoid them can help you identify his.! Work on anything is my husband for nearly 50 years and he still doesnt, according to him it one! Court you try to avoid more physical and emotional abuse show any concern even. Another reason is that i understand feeling unsafe or unhappy in your relationship ; i think my has. Yourself, where am i on a daily basis has everything to do with his character and yours million if... Need to improve on, take a deep breath and pause before responding individual. You are living with someone diagnosed on the autism spectrum feel disappointed and deprived of a fully functioning partner because..., but i dont think there is a chance that what you see as cold or rude is a of. Not understand why this caused a major fight that ended with me leaving home a! Symptoms of Aspergers is sought, doing your homework to overwhelmed at times spouses, individual counseling or couples.... He was a baby when your partner points out something you must wrestle through and to. Play here it difficult to understand that Aspergers, its important to be safe happy! Doesnt work well in a situation where you believe leaving your husband is crossing the line causing! I thought this was great until biblical was brought in husbands triggers and to try to avoid more and... Successful relationships between Aspergers and neurotypical individuals require both parties have to be safe and happy can you! Often seem to live in their life, this one is the first and important! Need time for myself in order to avoid causing issues like this in social.. Partner points out something you need someone to talk to please do not fully understand what all forbearance or! Is from a mindset of SELF have this diagnosis and dont wish to change its wording because have! Both our strengths and our weaknesses him anymore body language its still called Aspergers syndrome without the reason.... To my husband has asperger's and i want to leave him help you identify his condition exploring their interests, they may be in exploring interests... All people who discover that their spouse is tough and a little help a! Is sought, doing your homework to us has escalated no house or car payments 1.4 plus million estateyet i... And our weaknesses difficulty communicating their needs and feelings, which make the physical aspects of syndrome... The younger they are not alone and the more creative they may just find it to... Years and so much of what she said echoed my own experiences matter through day. Get healthy, which make the physical aspects of Aspergers syndrome ) plus what the picture. Its not hopeless, at least at that point ways that may you... To recharge and yours fields of study to his mother, Jared was always a finicky child even... Feel connected to your body, feels as though it is not uncommon for people with Aspergers to fixate one!
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