Am I focusing on my father, because I cant bear to blame my mother?. I recently watched a video on YouTube by Jeannie Mai where she talks to her mom about how painful it was when she didnt believe her or protect her when she told her mom she was being sexually abused. You can be grateful that she found the courage to get you out of that situation while also resenting her for every day she let him abuse you. I wish I could take it out of your life. I wish you great strength in your boundary setting. I'm in my 30s and now my relationship with my mother is at its best now, and the bitterness is lower. Some days I can feel generous and forgiving, but a lot of days I just feel cheated. 350z auto for sale near jerusalem captain roop singh stadium is situated at my mother didn 't protect me from abuse May 10, 2022 Copyright free. I taught myself how to use tools, repair cars, fix things around the house, all because he was "too busy" or "too tired.". I know I was very angry at my father for a long time because he failed to do anything about narcissistic mothers emotional abuse. This is a support group for people raised by abusive parents (with toxic, self-absorbed or abusive personality traits, which may be exhibited by those who suffer from cluster B personality disorders). Whether you work on your personal growth by going to a therapist or by doing some work on your own, its important to cultivate compassion for yourself and for your father. All of it hard, forging ahead where others dare not go, and dont understand because they have not suffered, been in chains as if captive. This post can help you understand just how you can recover and live a happy life. Your email address will not be published. For now, your feelings are valid. Your IP: And my dad was also not qualified to be a parent as he was emotionally crippled, was on the spectrum and was severely abused as a child. I would have been 14 at the time Childline was founded in 1986, amid very public discussion around child abuse. Parents can be unaware of just how they can continue to get under the skin of their adult children. Instead she went to Florida and kept saying how happy she was! Its not really the case that your enabling father didnt love you. NDad was a piece of excrement. I am glad he is dead. You have a very compelling way of writing. Have you talked to your mom about how you feel? He would have been sent to prison. My mom wouldnt do too much because she wanted to keep peace, so when I finally started yelling back I was the one to get punished. Reviewed by Davia Sills. She doesnt want to feel obliterated, so she wants to be right. She brushed off the entire incident when I asked her to accompany me to that shop, and at least confront that cougar, if not put him behind the bars. Why did he exclusively target me over her? Peg Streep's newest book is Verbal Abuse: Recognizing, Dealing, Reacting, and Recovering. This is my experience but with my Nmom and step-dad. I needed her, and she just stood by. I was raised as the oldest child of a single mum who often struggled to cope. I'm mad that she died and he lived. Yes, my mom catered to my dad all the time. Our rules include (but are not limited to): Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding. My father is a control freak and a bully, but she considers him strong. Is that strange?. I have similar feelings. "My mother is my father's staunchest defender. I would love for you to listen to Dr Clarissa Pinkola Estes warming the stone child which is about women like us. Narcissistic abuse takes a terrible toll on your life. I should not have left you with people who hurt you and did things to you that nobody should have done to you. Its really about his own psychological damage. You put everyone and everything else before me. Of course, you couldnt have. I will not pretend anymore and allow you to come and stay with me like nothing happened. Hed say Its just the way she is, or Shes a good person deep down inside, or something that made me feel as though hed sold me down the river. Perhaps the hardest task of all is for an unloved daughter to set healthy boundaries with her mother. It was always about getting her needs met. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Source: Photograph by pezibear. The damage is definitely there but I hope you're in a slightly better situation now. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns. Its vital to your healing process to really understand the role your father played in the abuse you suffered and why he didnt do more. Wow you're seriously typing all this in this sub? Would it be like denying what your experience has been? I didn't mean that I resent my mom, I still love her and I don't let this hurt affect the way I treat her. It took a long time for me to understand and develop compassion for my enabling father, but I now understand better the psychology of the enabler. . Thank you very much. Sorry for this, I just needed to get it off my chest. Share . I spent my entire childhood imagining how my mom feels and trying to pick up the pieces of her life for her. I imagine she feels that the shame, humiliation and guilt of saying she messed up would be annihilating for her because she might feel she would lose that identity of good mother shes made for herself. My mother was almost welcoming of the brake she would get from his alcoholic rages and abuse in every way. She is this amorphous person with no solidness to grab on to. Jennas comment mentioned earlier that her father loved me in a way is echoed in other adults stories; while dealing with the obviously toxic and hurtful parent presents its own set of problems, dealing with the parent who appears to collude in important ways has its own pain. You see no shame in letting me know that I am not good enough for you. Im the creator of Innertoxicrelief.com, a blog that addresses various aspects of the narcissistic personality. I wish he would go away, Is there such thing as insanity among penguins? Sometimes, the bad guys arent easy to spot. But they aren't. They're getting a bit better in their old age but the damage will never be undone. I resent her avoidance of issues when I have tried to bring them up as an adult. Please include what you were doing when this page came up and the Cloudflare Ray ID found at the bottom of this page. Performance & security by Cloudflare. So, I want to start by saying that I love my mom. They can come to see themselves as the cruel one or the selfish one or the manipulative one. Id say resentment is pretty warranted. My dad would scream at is sometimes, and my mum would just let it happen. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.". Its not uncommon for a narcissistic mother to say things like, If I dont do this, youll never be successful when you grow up. She might also have convinced your father that her abusive behavior is necessary to turn you into a strong, independent adult. He may have thought that by staying in the situation, he could mitigate the abuse and help his children survive better than they could without him. he wasn't there again today . She didnt want others to find her out-her true identity. You need to know the strategies that can help you recover from her emotional abuse. You put everyone and everything else before me. 2. I'll work on it, for sure. We do not defend abusers here. Working with a therapist can, of course, clear away some of the brush. Does a Dog's Head Shape Predict How Smart It Is? I am sorry that this is how the story ends for you. F narcissistic parents. Cookie Notice You pretend that we were close but you shared all my secrets with HIM! Cheaters cheat liars lie and people who are like this do this too. I am ashamed to be part of this family. Having also raised kids on my own both are now adults I understand the challenges and exhaustions of sole parenting. Except my parents are still together. Good on you Confused about acronyms or terminology? But I cant change the past. I definitely do understand that she's a victim as well and I've seen what she's gone through. Britain to open refuges to support child victims of sexual abuse, 'Insidious' tech firms must protect children online, says campaigner, Manwho groomed Kayleigh Haywood denies attempted sexual assault, Third woman alleges that she was sexually assaulted by Sir Clement Freud, Child abuse: court hears man sent images of his unborn baby, Victims of paedophile William Vahey seek up to 1.5m compensation, Police hunt for child sex abuser Michael Crabb, Poppi Worthington death: past abuse in family 'was overlooked'. I am still the source of all their disappointments, large and small, and that is part of their bond. I might be ignorant in some aspects of life, but I will never, never do what my mother intentionally did to me. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. Hmmmm, in my house it was my father that failed to protect me from my mother. Occasionallywell, more than occasionallyI hear from people who tell me to stop blaming parents and to stop encouraging adults to wallow in the past or similar language. Incredibly, the night before this happened I had a dream about her. When my dad hit me before I moved out Mom never stepped in because she was a bad parent who allowed the abuse. I don't want to walk on eggshells anymore. The Narcissistic Mother or Father: Why they make their children suffer Today I would like to focus on the psychology of a narcissistic mother or father and why it is so likely to end in abuse for their children. It is important to strike a balance between the motivational and protective double-edges of fear. This was perhaps the first incident of physical abuse, which I shared with a friend in school, before telling my mother. Thank you for your comment though, it is appreciated. As any child in a loving family would, I confided in you. She thinks his put-downs are a way of keeping us from getting too full. Cloudflare Ray ID: 7a16145568cea223 She revealed that something similar had happened with her as well, and her mother had confronted the abuser in front of my friend. There is no guarantee shed be able to say what you need to hear, or stop wanting that good mother label. Its unlikely that he will ever accept responsibility for not protecting you. I can't speak for my siblings, but I'm still very affected. Coming to terms with the less obvious damage. I remember it clearly as bath time; feeling dirty, confused and guilty. I wanted you to make me feel better. You understand why you feel the way you do, at least, which I think is good. The Fora platform includes forum software by XenForo. 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